25 Choices for 25 Years
Our wedding day: June 9, 2001
Today, June 9, marks the 25th anniversary of the day I married my very best friend.
Where did the time go? Somehow, I'm old enough to celebrate a silver anniversary while still feeling like the kid who walked down the aisle.
I remember planning a 25th anniversary celebration for my parents — a year before my own wedding — and they were old. Not like us. Robert and I are still very young and cool. It's just that we were practically babies when we said, "I do."
I was 21, and Robert was 22 — the summer between my junior and senior years at Olivet.
This I know for certain: 25 years doesn’t just happen, by luck or by accident. Sadly, I can think of several friends and loved ones who didn’t make it this far. I'm certainly not suggesting we've figured marriage out better than anyone else. We've made more mistakes than I can count and have needed plenty of grace along the way.
Frankly, I’ve had a lot of things in my favor, because Robert is truly a very good man. He's as solid as they come, a man of integrity and devotion. I’ve never once had to deal with infidelity, abuse, or addictions. For that, I am extraordinarily grateful, both to him and to God.
Still, I believe with all my heart that the longevity of our marriage is largely the result of countless little decisions.
Love is far more than a feeling or a state of being. It's an action and a choice. It's a selfless and sacrificial surrender of wills for the better good, over and over and over again.
And so, in honor of our 25th anniversary, here are 25 choices we've made to secure our love and marriage--some big, some small.
An evening out together during our 25th Anniversary trip to Port St. Lucie, FL.
Adventuring on ATVs through Ft. Lauderdale.
Put Christ first. Jesus is not a part of our lives; He IS life. Without Him we are nothing. We love because He first loved us.
Eat dinner together as a family. This is something we've done as a couple from the very beginning, and we've pretty consistently carried out that tradition as our kids have grown. I didn't realize that was abnormal until my kids started bringing friends over who commented they never eat with their parents. Somewhere along the way, I heard a stat that the number one thing you can do to bolster your kids' self-worth, thereby protecting them from negative peer pressure, addictions, heartache, etc., is to gather around the table once a day for a meal. I don't know if that's true, but it certainly has been a powerful connection point for us.
Prioritize church. Yes, you can be a Christian without going to church, but why try? For us, it's been a natural and crucial rhythm to be surrounded by a community of believers who encourage, pray and support us when we're struggling -- and for us to do the same for them. It's a weekly opportunity to worship as a community and to dive deep into God's Word and hear what He has to say to us. My kids have also been blessed by countless people over the years who have poured into them as Sunday school teachers, prayer warriors, friends, mentors and more.
Fun money. This is also something we've done over the years, budgeting a designated amount of "fun money" we each have to blow on whatever we want, with no questions asked. It started out small, like $20 a month or something, and has grown a bit over the years as our budget has increased. It's prevented a whole lot of judgment and arguments over "Do you really need that (fill in the blank) when we've got bills to pay?"
Laugh often. In case you didn't know, Robert is hysterical, and I like to think I'm funny, too, at least every now and then. (Don't ask my kids.) This has paid off in huge dividends as we laugh easily and often. It's a tension breaker and a life-saver when things get hard.
Forgive and ask forgiveness. We've chosen to let go of the little things. We acknowledge when we've messed up and make it right. We forgive and move on, whether or not we feel at the time that we've received the apology we "deserve."
Throw away the scoreboard. Over the years, we've naturally fallen into a routine of who does which chores. There are times when he does more than I do, and vice versa. Likewise, we each manage tasks that the other has no desire or skill to do. It's not a competition, and turning it into one would be to sabotage our happiness and appreciation for one another.
Split up the drive. I generally drive into Chicago or other congested urban areas when we're under a time crunch, saving us all from road rage and saying things we don't mean. He usually drives home because I get nervous driving in the dark. It's a win-win, sanity-saving solution.
Get on the same page before making commitments. Recognizing that any commitments we make as individuals affect our time together as a couple and as a family, we share a centralized calendar and do our best to discuss them before adding to it.
Eliminate debt. Studies show, and we concur: Money problems are the number one source of marital disagreement. I can say without a shadow of a doubt that eliminating debt has lightened the load and eased the tension. (Not so subtle plug: Read my book to learn more.)
Date. We continue to prioritize dating, aiming for at least once a month, taking a break from our schedule to get dressed up and do something together.
Vacation. Once a year, we carve out time as a family to go off the grid and just focus on us. Occasionally, usually at milestone anniversaries, Robert and I take a vacation just for the two of us, then we take a separate chunk of time away with the kids.
Boundaries. Protecting the sanctity of our marriage, we don't play with fire. No porn. No close, confidant-like relationships and/or private alone time with members of the opposite sex. No hidden accounts, open access to each other's phones. Full transparency always. Period.
Encourage friendships. We are each other's best friends, but that doesn't mean I can meet all of Robert's social needs or he can meet all of mine. He needs guy time, and I need time with the girls, so we encourage each other to spend time and energy building those relationships.
Honor each other when the other is absent. I don't trash Robert, and he doesn't trash me.
Fight fair. The beautiful thing about marriage is that we know each other's deepest joys, but also fears, shame, and hurts. Even at our maddest, we keep things above the belt, never ever using that knowledge as a weapon.
Cheer for each other's success. Robert is my biggest cheerleader, and I am his.
Difficult conversations. We talk about the hard things, even in the face of potential conflict. We speak truth, hold each other accountable, and bring light into the dark places. We make each other better.
Go to bed angry (sometimes). I know the old saying is "never go to bed angry," but we've learned that exhaustion rarely improves conflict. Sometimes the wisest thing to do is get some sleep, pray about it, and revisit the conversation with fresh minds in the morning.
Say I love you. Of course, we show our love in a thousand different ways, but it's also important to say it out loud. So, we do. Often.
Kiss. Hold hands. Cuddle. And other stuff. God designed us to experience and show love through all the senses, including through physical touch. In the context of marriage, it's no less holy than any other form of loving our spouses. Physical affection matters.
Compliment. If I think something positive about Robert, why would I not say it to him? We speak the good out loud.
Give gifts. I love picking up things for Robert that I know will make him smile. Likewise, there's nothing quite as sweet as receiving an unexpected gift from Robert that shows he was thinking of me.
Create the fan cave. IYKYK. This is an equal partnership, and we create space for each other to experience rest, peace, joy, and comfort.
Just keep going. I wish I could remember who is was, but I remember reading a quote from an elderly woman who was asked about the success of her decades-long marriage. She said something to the effect of "we just didn't choose to give up on the same day." Truth is, marriage is hard. There have been plenty of days I've considered throwing in the towel, and (as much of a treat as I am), I'm quite confident Robert has felt the same. By God’s grace, neither of us has felt that way for long or at the same time. For all the hard days, we've repeatedly come to the same conclusion. It's worth the fight, because marriage is good. We're better together than we are apart.
Confession: I don't know who this blog is for. I'm certainly not qualified to give any advice. Truthfully, we're just two imperfect people who keep choosing each other.
Robert, if you're reading this (by choice or because I guilted you), I hope you know that I love you with all my heart. Marrying you was the second-best decision I've ever made, right behind following Jesus.
Twenty-five years ago, we were two stupid young kids making promises we barely understood.
By God's grace, we've spent the last quarter-century learning how to keep them.
I'd choose you again in a heartbeat.
Here's to 25 years—and, Lord willing, many, many more.